I will never forget 11th November 2011, I lost a part of me. I lost my boyfriend of 3 years, my best friend and also the guy who changed my life. I lost him to violence. Worst of all, I was on the way to meet him in Egypt when it happened.
I didn't know how I would get through it. Days went by and I felt nothing. In fact I was so used to not feeling anything that I literally was numb on the inside. Thinking back, I think its a protective mechanism your mind does to protect you.
I remember the intense silence in my mind. I think that's how lost is. Quiet. Everything in your mind comes to a halt. Suddenly everything you had planned, your future thoughts, they didn't exist anymore. It was just a white piece of blank.
I went home to Borneo. It didn't help. Memories of him at home, my parents walking on eggshells around me. It was unbearable. I left soon after and decided to get back to work. So I flew to Hong Kong.
On the first night there, I broke apart. I cried. The first time I was truly well alone, and had the space to digest my lost. And I missed him. I think that night, my heart froze over.
Work was solace. It took my mind away, at least for a while so that helped. I had an amazing army of colleagues, who knew me well enough and were just being as usual. No awkwardness. I appreciated it. Just because my life had changed, people around me didn't have to.
Weeks turned into months, and in those times I was really lucky, blessed in fact that I had with me a group of amazing people I call my friends.Some near, some far. Some knew what happened, some didn't. But they were my rock. They didn't crowd me, they were just there. And that was enough.
I did a lot in the past year. More than I had before. I think it was the fear of stopping and falling apart. So I ran, I did crazy long hikes, boat trips, jumping out of planes, just about anything. I went out, even on days I just didn't feel like doing anything. My friends were there to get me. Above all, I travelled. It reminded me of him. New Zealand, Taiwan, China, Canada, Europe. You name it. Everyday when I did something I had never done before, I am reminded of him. It's as if his memories challenged me to live.
Eventually, I began to feel a little. I began to enjoy conversations, I even laughed from my heart and smiled with my eyes. Even my unconventional humor returned. I didn't realize when the healing began. It just did.
This year something changed and I opened up. Well, my heart did anyhow. It wasn't cold anymore. And I knew, that I am here capable to care, to like, to love.
Now I live. I take chances, I take risks. No regrets.
If there is one thing I know, what happens tomorrow isn't always for you to control. Live for today, live the best you can and never look back wishing you could have done better. Never live with "should've".
Grief isn't something to get over, it's a process you get through. It helps you carry on. It even makes you stronger. Above all, remember You never are truly alone.
It's okay to remember too.
I didn't know how I would get through it. Days went by and I felt nothing. In fact I was so used to not feeling anything that I literally was numb on the inside. Thinking back, I think its a protective mechanism your mind does to protect you.
I remember the intense silence in my mind. I think that's how lost is. Quiet. Everything in your mind comes to a halt. Suddenly everything you had planned, your future thoughts, they didn't exist anymore. It was just a white piece of blank.
I went home to Borneo. It didn't help. Memories of him at home, my parents walking on eggshells around me. It was unbearable. I left soon after and decided to get back to work. So I flew to Hong Kong.
On the first night there, I broke apart. I cried. The first time I was truly well alone, and had the space to digest my lost. And I missed him. I think that night, my heart froze over.
Work was solace. It took my mind away, at least for a while so that helped. I had an amazing army of colleagues, who knew me well enough and were just being as usual. No awkwardness. I appreciated it. Just because my life had changed, people around me didn't have to.
Weeks turned into months, and in those times I was really lucky, blessed in fact that I had with me a group of amazing people I call my friends.Some near, some far. Some knew what happened, some didn't. But they were my rock. They didn't crowd me, they were just there. And that was enough.
I did a lot in the past year. More than I had before. I think it was the fear of stopping and falling apart. So I ran, I did crazy long hikes, boat trips, jumping out of planes, just about anything. I went out, even on days I just didn't feel like doing anything. My friends were there to get me. Above all, I travelled. It reminded me of him. New Zealand, Taiwan, China, Canada, Europe. You name it. Everyday when I did something I had never done before, I am reminded of him. It's as if his memories challenged me to live.
Eventually, I began to feel a little. I began to enjoy conversations, I even laughed from my heart and smiled with my eyes. Even my unconventional humor returned. I didn't realize when the healing began. It just did.
This year something changed and I opened up. Well, my heart did anyhow. It wasn't cold anymore. And I knew, that I am here capable to care, to like, to love.
Now I live. I take chances, I take risks. No regrets.
If there is one thing I know, what happens tomorrow isn't always for you to control. Live for today, live the best you can and never look back wishing you could have done better. Never live with "should've".
Grief isn't something to get over, it's a process you get through. It helps you carry on. It even makes you stronger. Above all, remember You never are truly alone.
It's okay to remember too.
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| In memory of an amazing soul |
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